No good, very bad day. Off to eat worms.

I have decided that I do not care about others at the moment. The stupid drug I am on, norethindrone (a progesterone) is absolutely evil and causes false sense of hope. There is no way I could be pregnant. You can't just take this days 15-30 and expect even ovulation. How am I supposed to know?? Everything I read points out that this is used to PREVENT pregnancy. WTF?! Plus, and I am so going to cry at this very moment and I don't care, but all the symptoms that I have had from nausea to headaches to all that is just side effects from the drug. I thought I had a pretty good chance at acheiving pregnancy this time. Ok, so this is the first month on it, but I thought I had it. Turns out I am going to wait for the period and just start over again. This has to work, right??? I never knew how much I wanted another baby until I couldn't have one. At least not how I thought it would go. Before, with my son, it took 8 months to get a period after the nuva ring and then 2 months later...taaaddaa! Now, I got off the pill in Nov, period in Jan. and after that the cycles got longer and longer and longer. By day 60 of the most recent cycle my dr. put me on the above mentioned drug. If this wasn't enough to deal with, I am bi-polar with no stablizing mood meds in my body so that I can get pregnant plus the disappointment of not understanding how the crap this is supposed to work has me all kinds of upset. I am crying out of pure sadness right now. I feel like I am facing my own mortality and failing. Perhaps I took it for granted that I could conceive at 32 because I have twice before, I gave a daughter up for adoption 8 years ago, so what is it now?? I have this "friend" who makes me feel like crap and seems to rub money in my face, of COURSE you have money. You and your husband declared bankruptsy this year and you only have student loans. Oh and did I mention that her sister bought them a house and is redecorating it for them. "Joan" makes the decision of what she wants and her sister pays for it. Did I mention that they pay like 300 hundred ish dollars a month for this house?? Her age is rubbed in (20's) money (her husband works now after being laid off for about a year) and she babysits. She is boastful and I feel like she is in competion with me. How many times is she going to say she doesn't understand that her health insurance, same as mine, will cover Mirena but mine won't. HEY STOOPID!!! The EMPLOYERS decide what benefits to give the employees, not the insurance company. Duh!! I swear I am so done but I don't have other friends here. I hate it. I am alone, with one car to share, no money to join any play groups for Colin since we are paying off debt and have about 100 dollars of extra money to use for haircuts, dinner out, incedinetals..whatever. We aren't in the poor house and she says she can't understand how we have no mortgage but have so much debt. We got our first house...we had no paint, ceiling fans, lawn mower, weed wacker, grill, anything. Ok, so this has no order just random. I am random today as I am just feeling all over.
What doesn't help, unfortunately, is that I talked to a really great old friend yesterday for a long time and we have so much in common and haven't spoken since 1995. I miss her, the fun we had, how friends actually treat each other, I miss my other friends and I feel so disconnected from everything here in FL. I want to go home to IL. I miss it...especially my friends. I never knew that I would be cut off from the world when I got married and then again when I had a child. I must have a disease or something. I feel unwanted, unworthy and upset. I am bawling. Could be meds, pms, actual loneliness or something else. Having found my old friends is great but it shows me how much I am loved and how much I dislike it here. I love being near family (John's) and winter here is nice, plus John does have a great job....I could never ask him to leave his family and I wouldn't want to. Except for the fact I feel like I am in a box and alone. Noone wants to listen to this, it is a horribly sad story. I can't just call people and say all this, it just isn't worth saying. Who wants to listen to a weeping girl?? I am writing instead. My son is singing his ABC's, his way (he is 2 and a half). Misses half the letter and hums the parts he doesn't know, but is so proud of himself that he claps so I clap too. In return I get bows and "thank you, thank you". So cute. I want to lay in bed and cry for myself and my lonliness and my inablity to make friends. I don't like people. I am not a "normal" mom. I am not concervative or taking my kid to all the little gym groups and stuff, some of those things cost 235 for 15 weeks. are you kidding?? Oh, and this is my favorite....kids are starting preschool at like 3 onto 4, depending on the potty training situation. Remember when kids just used to go to school at 5?? What the hell. I hate it. I get such a short time with a toddler and it is shortened because if I don't do preschool he will be behind when he starts kindergarten. How sad a world that people are in such a hurry to make their kid the smartest, best, than all the others. Heaven forbid we let them be kids and start school at 5 without the pressure of being good enough. What a complex to envoke upon a child.

This is going to be a long day. I don't expect to feel better soon, nor do I expect pity or extra attention for this. That isn't why I am writing. I am writing cuz if I don't I might kill "Joan" and delve into sadness about progesterone and the role it is supposed to play in my having a baby. I have to get a tylenol now. Crying gives me the reddest eyes and the biggest headache. Suck. I am sure crying is good for me as I haven't done it in long time. I pray this doesn't continue. If I remain really unstable to the point where the doctor worries I am not able to care for my child as I should because of no meds I am sure he will put me back on the depakote and I can kiss another kid goodbye. I don't want that. I want to hold it together long enough to get pregnat, breastfeed for at least 3 months and then I promise I will go back on the meds. We are only planning on the 2 kids. I really want this next one....I want it so badly it makes me hurt sometimes. I want my son to have a sibling to fight with, love, and grow up with. Not just the dog and cat.

Enough for now. I consider erasing this as it is one gigantic pity party/crying session, but I have to get it out and my husband is working so I can't call him, besides he is in a meeting right now. He doesn't need a weeping wife.

Grumpy.

I woke up in the grumpiest of moods. No reason other than possibly I am bi-polar and off my mood stabilizing drug...hmmmm. So profound. Anyhow, this goes on all day, I took a nap and it has just stuck. Now I don't feel grumpy but I am not about to go dancing through the living room or anything. Here are some things that irritated me today (in no particular order):

1. My 2 and a half year old son treating the litter box as a sandbox. Doesn't matter to him he will play in there using the poop scoop or his hands. Gross.

2. My husband is breathing. Yup, breathing can set it off.

3. Shiloh, my dog, peed in said boys room right in front of John (husband-for those who don't know). Spiteful thing or would that be Spiteful peeing???

4. Son whining.

5. Son going to the fridge and randomly taking out food...whatever he felt like. Seriously, a piece of bologna at 10:30 am?? Really??

6. I couldn't find a stupid f***ing mechanical pencil for the life of me. It made me INSANE..I was actually angered by this little thing, it really did get to me. I eventually found one and all was right with the world.

I don't have much today, but just grumpy circumstances. Tomorrow is a new day and I can chalk this one up for the books and keep going.

Ahhh, today is the day.

Okay world, here we go. I love to blog. Not just because it is extremely stress releaving, but I am always looking back to old journals and wondering why I don't do this more often. I have these journals that have been sitting untouched and left behind for so long. I desire to write in them, but I don't get around to it, I am too tired...the list could go on. For some reason I can make time to be at a computer to write whatever ales me. On myspace.com I have my entire pregnancy blogged (hope I can print that out for my son later on). Crazy is what it is. I love facebook and all but you can't blog. What is blog anyway?? It is my random thoughts for the day and right now it is almost 9 pm and my brain is fried. I have only my son to write about really and the trials of missing all my friends with whom I am have reconnected. I miss these people who made my high school years better as I moved so much and did attend 3 high schools. Sweet. Crystal Lake, IL was my favorite and my bestest friends are from that time frame. Good Lord, I love those people. Cool thing is that I am still different as are they and they continue to remind me how good it is to be odd, weird and funny. I live for making people laugh. I think it even better than being pretty. Pretty can go away...I am always here being funny (though today I don't feel funny, just tired). So, greetings and salutations to all of you.